Mother's Day Reflections.

I've never properly mourned my mother's passing and she's been gone from my life longer than she'd been in it. Her illness and loss has effectively shaped much of who I am. It was 21 years-ago today that she passed away after a decade long illness that stripped her of so much of who she was, and who I could have been.

My mother raised me and my older brother with the help of my grandmother. My mother had a total of five children. Her first two daughters were put up for adoption. One of my older brothers passed away when he was under the age of two. My mother rarely spoke of them.

I resented a lot of what I experience as a result of the choices my mother had made, but in retrospect, I see now that much of her life must have brought her a lot of shame, like being a pregnant teen in the 60's for example. And I'm sure she suffered from the same body issues that I have dealt with my entire life from not fitting the societal definition of normal. I realise that she was probably lonely, scared, tired, and in pain.

There is no doubt that she loved me, even though she didn't always show it. I was left to fend for myself at a young age, but I now see that wasn't intentional. She did the best with what she had, which wasn't much. What's really sad is that she never saw what I saw. I loved my mother with all my heart and all I ever wanted was to make her proud. The worst thing in the world for me was disappointing her. She never saw the strong and vibrant woman that I saw when I was little.

What I miss most is her laugh (which I hear in my own) and mom hugs. There is nothing in the world like a good mom hug. You know, the one that is tight, but not constricting and you can feel the warmth and care surround you. To this day I still crave those hugs.

This mother's day has been hard, harder than most, and if you're lucky enough to have one of those great moms, be sure to get a mom hug for me.